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Shortly before the Heresy reaches Terra, Horus calls the other eight
Primarchs
to his side for one final conference…
Horus: My brothers, all has gone splendidly so far, and now we stand
ready to
take control of the very heart of the Imperium and guide humanity to
chaos...
but something has been bothering me…
Fulgrim: The way Abaddon looks just like you?
Horus: Yes, exactly. I mean, No! The simple fact is each of our
chapters uses
the same composition as the others. We have no variety! For the
assault to work
each chapter must take on a specific role, sacrificing some things
and gaining
others. Agreed?
Heads nodded all around the room.
Horus: All right then, whom do we begin with?
Fulgrim: I want to be the pretty one!
WHAM!! Angron slams Fulgrim's head into the table.
Angron: Idiot!
Horus: Ah, Angron. Yes, your Worldeaters shall be the masters of hand
to hand
combat, sacrificing almost all else, and overcome by an insatiable
frenzy of
violence.
Angron: Hey! You'd be violent too, if you had to sit between Fulgrim
and
Mortarion!
Fulgrim: Can my chapter at least play music?
WHAM!!
Angron: Violence. Cool, I can live with that.
Horus: Fulgrim, your Emporer's Children will indeed play music, but
you will
develop it into a weapon of horrible sound, killing men from a
distance.
Perturabo: Ever heard him play that harp of his? It's already like a
horrible
death.
Fulgrim: Hmmph, you have no soul, Perturabo.
Lorgar: Hey, none of us do.
Fulgrim: Good point. What's the downside of my army, Horus?
Horus: You wear pink.
Fulgrim: And the downside?
Horus: Moving on. Who's next?
Mortarion: My chapter is already tougher than any other, but I will
take a flaw
like the rest of you.
All stare at the diseased, disgusting form of the Death Guard
Primarch.
Mortarion: What? I'm waiting.
Horus: Ummm, Magnus! You're into that whole magic thing. Your
Thousand Sons will
have more psychics…
Magnus: Sorcerers. We call ourselves sorcerers now.
Horus: Sure, whatever. But you get more of them than anyone else.
Meanwhile the
rest of your forces will become little more than walking automatons.
Magnus: I don't see how I could possibly comply with that.
Horus: Don't worry, I already got somebody working on that for me.
Magnus: What? Who?!?
Horus: Moving on…
Magnus: No wait, who's gonna turn my chapter into automatons?
Mortarion: Hmm, perhaps someone is already working on the flaw of my
chapter. Is
that it, Horus?
Lorgar: Cough, Typhus! Cough, Cough!
Fulgrim: Wait a minute, if I follow the god of sex, how come Magnus
has a 1000
sons?
Alpharius: Well, you already have the Emporer's children. How many
kids do you
need?
Horus: Hey! Still in charge here! And I said we're moving on! Now
each of you
four have your own specific god, but the rest of us will remain
undivided. In
fact, Lorgar, you can pick daemons from any of the gods, as many as
you want.
Lorgar: Whoo-hoo! Daemonette orgy tonight!
Fulgrim: I am so there!
Lorgar: You are so not!
Horus: BUT, your Wordbearers must perform all our religious
ceremonies, be the
most zealous of us all. In fact, only you will keep your chaplains.
Lorgar: So… no orgy?
Horus: `Fraid not.
Lorgar: Man, this bites…
Horus: Perturabo, your Iron Warriors are masters of siege craft. You
will get
more heavy choices than the others. If you don't have enough, steal
some from
the Imperials. And since you created the Obliterators, feel free to
take as many
as you dare. This will make you a bit slower, and you can't have
daemons at all.
Perturabo: What about daemon siege engines?
Horus: We have those?
Perturabo whistles innocently.
Horus: Okay, fine whatever. Konrad Curze…
Curze: I prefer `Night Haunter.'
Horus: Sigh, Night Haunter. Your Night Lords will have more fast-
moving troops
and excel at night fighting, but…
Fulgrim: Hey, wait a minute! We can decide our own nicknames? I want
to be…
WHAM!
Angron: Wasn't me this time.
Lorgar: Umm, that was a ceremonial punch to the jaw. Slaanesh
demanded it.
Yeaahhh…
Horus: Crap. Where was I?
Mortarion: I'm still waiting for my flaw.
Alpharius: How about soap?
Horus: Yes, the newbie! Your Alpha Legion will hide deep within the
Imperium and
sabotage their efforts. This means few daemons, and certainly no
greater
daemons.
Alpharius: Not so bad, and what do I get in return?
Horus: Um, cultists. We can't afford to give them armor or guns
though. We have
these flashlights… "Laspistols" I think is what the Imperial Guard
call them…
Alpharius: You gotta be kidding me! Humans!?!? That's it!?!?
Horus: Yep. Sucks to be the new guy.
Alpharius: This is bull! Angron gets all the hand to hand stuff,
Perturabo gets
all the shooty stuff, and I get cultists?!? This is so much…
Alpharius looks at Mortarion.
Alpharius: Well, I guess it could be worse. What about you, Horus?
Mortarion: Is my chapter to have no flaw?
Horus: That's it! My Chapter doesn't have a flaw or an advantage. I
can have
whatever I want without limits.
Perturabo: You're not getting my stolen siege engines.
Alpharius: And if cultists is all I get, then you ain't getting any.
Lorgar: Don't forget, you said I'm the only one with Chaplains.
Horus: Fine, fine. Are we all settled? Questions?
Everyone raises a hand.
Horus: None? Good. The attack begins in one week. Dismissed.
Mortarion: Hello? STILL waiting my flaw. Helloooo?
And the rest is history… or the future… or the history of the future.
Well, you
know what I mean.
